Death Eaters: The First Four Years
by faballa
Summary: When Voldemort took in his main group of Death Eaters, could he have made some...mistakes? Could it have possibly been unwise for him to hire groups of teenagers right out of school, especially teens with severe social "intricacies?" This is their story.
1. Chapter 1: Interviews

**I don't own these characters.**

**A/N: **I don't think they're really "out of character." Do you?

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**Interview One—Bellatrix Black**

Voldemort shuffled the papers in his hand and cleared his throat noisily, staring at the young, pale girl sitting across from him. "So, Ms. Black, what gives you the idea that you should join my ranks?"

"Well," she began smoothly, "I'm a cruel-hearted, cold-blooded killer. I'm obedient to the point of death, I'm quick-witted, and I enjoy long walks on the beach!"

"What makes you think I give a damn about any of that? What about your work ethic? Any prior employers?"

"W-what?" she stammered. Her mother hadn't told her about this man acting _that _way! Mother said all she needed to do was be charming and poised, and she was _so _fucking charming and poised! This man was supposed to be falling at her feet, begging her to join, and he was asking about _prior employers?!_

"Well, I need someone to contact. Do you expect me to call your old Head of House?"

"I-I didn't…"

"Tick-tock sweetie. I've got plenty of girls just like you: cold-blooded and fierce. And at least some of them are bound to be more charismatic."

"What the hell does _charisma _have to do with this?!" she blurted, practically screaming. "I'm bloody gorgeous! My victims are going to be too damn busy staring at me to notice that I can't list off all of my 'special skills'! Who cares if I can't think up some witty last remark right as I finish them off?!"

"Darling," he began, and she blushed fiercely. "Last remarks are everything."

"Fine. How about this?" She got up, turned on her heel, flipped him the bird, and yelled, "Screw you!"

"You're hired!"

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**Interview Two—Narcissa Black**

Voldemort stared at his next prospective Death Eater in disbelief. He'd walked into the room, only a few minutes late (which was perfectly acceptable when you're the great and wondrous Dark Lord) to find the young lady painting her nails hot pink—_on his brand-new mahogany desk!_

"You have twelve seconds to explain what you're doing without using the letter 'E.' Go!"

"My nails," the girl said, in sort of a "Duh!" tone of voice. He groaned inwardly.

"Please, don't tell me you're one of my new candidates."

"It wasn't _my _idea," the girl sniffed. "My mother's always pushing me to be just like my good, pure little sister Bella. Like I'd ever want to be like _that_ freak. And if that's not bad enough, my fiancé's just like her! He's always saying stuff like, 'Oh, Cissy, we've got to help him. We've got to help _the cause._' God, like he even cares about any stupid cause! He just wants to piss of his parents. And don't even get me started on his friends. Like that Snape fellow. Oh my gods. He is _so _weird! He doesn't talk to like anyone but Lucius, and he _never _washes his hair. And he's like totally _obsessed _with Bella. God, they're both such totally freaks; they'd deserve each other if they weren't going to populate the earth with their _weird_ kids." The girl who seemed to be called "Cissy" giggled suddenly and rose from her chair. She patted Voldemort warmly on the arm, beaming. "Wow, thanks, I feel so much better now! You are _such_ a way better listener than all of my other friends. We should totally do this again sometime! Byesies!"

She skipped cheerfully out of the room, leaving Voldemort staring, jaw dropped. All he could do was faintly call, "Next!"

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**Interview Three—Lucius Malfoy**

"Lucius Malfoy?" He looked up from his papers at the cowering, skinny blonde man sitting in front of him.

"Y-y-yes My Lord?" The man stuttered, not meeting his eyes. The Dark Lord sighed.

"I've heard you're interested in helping the cause?"

"Oh yes!" Lucius cried, looking like a dog begging for a bone. "The cause is my life! The cause is the most important thing in the world to me!"

"More important than you're fiancée?"

"Oh, yes definitely!" Voldemort frowned and scrawled, _Skinny man will make good victim, _down on his notepad. Lucius saw his face and panicked. "I mean no, My Lord! My Narcissa is the most important thing in the world to me! She's like the moon and the stars! Without her, the cause means nothing to me!"

"The cause means nothing to you?" This was getting fun. He wouldn't even have to use his wand to torture this Lucius!

"No, no of course not, my great and wonderful Dark Lord, who has no flaws whatsoever and outshines every other aspect of my life!"

"Even family?"

"Oh yes, I mean no, I mean, my family's good and all, but they're not to big on the cause…"

"You are of a lineage that does _not _support me?"

"NO! I mean, yes! I mean, they don't like some parts, but I do! I'm one of the good ones!" He looked like he wanted to cry. "I've got to go!" And Lucius bolted out of the room, leaving Voldemort smirking to himself.

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**Interview Four—Severus Snape**

Another skinny—_What is it with these underweight men? _Voldemort thought to himself. _Has Dumbledore stopped feeding them? _Ahem, anyway, another skinny young man sat in front of Voldemort's desk. However, unlike the Malfoy, who'd been poised and energetic to a frightening point, this man sat slumped and bored. Voldemort was instantly intrigued.

"You're Severus Snape?"

"The one and only."

"You're straight out of school."

"That I am."

"Top of your class?"

"Yes," a hint of pride showed in his voice. "Though Bellatrix Black may tell it differently."

"Give me forty-two reasons why I shouldn't kill you right now. Without using the letter 'I.' Begin!"

"Make me."

Voldemort nearly laughed. "I see. So, you're cold, unfriendly, and you're already completely jaded! You're exactly what I'm looking for in a man!" Snape stared at him.

"Are you hitting on me?" This surprised Voldemort. He pondered the question: No, he'd never thought of "hitting" on anyone, but anything was possible.

"Perhaps, perhaps not. Well, I suppose not. At least not for now."

"Right. I'm, um, _going _now." He left, and Voldemort smiled, evidently proud of himself for choosing the four greatest young wizards and witches of the 1970s to mold and shape as his own. Finally, he would have new children, er, "followers."

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**A/N: **Yes, they're the four greatest young wizards and witches of the seventies. It was a dark time for wizarding kind.


	2. Chapter 2: The First Meeting

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **So...I never thought I'd feel obligated to finish this. I still don't, but I really want to work on it and so how it goes. Hell, I never thought I'd finish my Esme Slain/Malfoy/Weasley/Black/Snape story (call her what you want…) and I managed to do that.

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About a dozen teenagers stared as Voldemort pounded out some morose song on an ancient, out-of-tune piano. The strange minor key wrapped itself around the group as they stared in a mix of awe, fear, and confusion. Snape strutted into the room as the piano's cry echoed about.

"What the hell is he doing?" he muttered to Lucius, sitting down on the floor around the atrocious instrument.

"I've no idea. He's been doing it for like forty-five minutes."

"Gods, it sounds like the piano's being murdered by Jack the Ripper."

"You mean being raped and disemboweled?" Narcissa purred as she wrapped her arms around Lucius and cuddled up to his back.

"That was more than unnecessary, Black," Snape growled. Voldemort struck a final, sour note, stood up, and bowed deeply. Most of the room applauded uncertainly, praising multiple deities for his finale. Bellatrix stood up and clapped her hands together as though her life depended on it. Voldemort frowned in her direction.

"That was more than unnecessary, Bellatrix." He turned to Lucius, "Malfoy! Control your future sister-in-law!" Spastically, he leapt to his feet, grabbed Bella, and pulled her back onto the ground. She looked as though she wanted to eat him.

"I call this meeting of Voldemort's Death Eaters to order!" he cried. "This is how we shall begin _every _meeting! I've been told that my music could resurrect the dead," he said rather proudly. A few of the Death Eaters nodded numbly, each trying to think of the quickest way to kill themselves and make it look like an accident. Voldemort turned to the spot where Lucius and Narcissa were cuddling. "Did I even hire you?"

"Me?" Lucius jumped up again. "Well, My Lord, I believed that you did, but if it your desire for me to leave, I'll definitely leave. But trust me, Your Darkness, outside these walls; I will still do your great and wonderful bidding! Even away from your stare, I will be your loyal servant!" Snape massaged his temples.

"I was talking about the girl," Voldemort smirked.

"Oh."

"Well? Did I hire you?"

"Of course! I mean, who wouldn't hire me? I'm cute, blonde, and adorable!" Narcissa giggled.

"Right, well, whatever. I'd rather not deal with the paperwork. Now, does anyone have any questions about what you'll be doing?"

"Do we get paid?" a boy inquired.

"No."

"But this is a full-time job! How are we supposed to afford homes or food?" Voldemort thought on this for a moment.

"One more question and I'll feed you to one of my large and dangerous pets." The boy shut up quite quickly after that. "As I was saying…As a boy growing up in an orphanage, it was always my dream to become a concert pianist. Day in and day out, I would practice for hours. Unfortunately, when I was seven, they sold the piano so they could buy us new shoes. So, I began torturing children as a way to pursue my creative desires. Day in and day out, I would practice for hours. And when I was eight I…" Several Death Eaters groaned inwardly. Several of them groaned outwardly, but Voldemort kept talking. And talking. And talking. Snape began to doze silently. Narcissa whipped out an emery board and began doing her nails. Bellatrix sat, back straight, rapt with attention. "…and with years of practice and my wonderful teacher, Ms. Halloway, I became the wonderful musician that I am today," he finished after about twenty minutes. Bella stood and applauded, stirring Snape, who also began to applaud, though rather confusedly. The rest of the room followed suit. "Yes, thank you. I have had a rather fascinating life, haven't I? One day I will be recognized for it. And all of you shall help me achieve that recognition!"

"By killing people?" Bellatrix inquired hopefully.

"By making my music known to the wizarding world! With your help, I can finally squash those damnable one-hit wonders The Beatles!" Bellatrix sat down, pouting slightly.

"But The Beatles broke up over ten years ago!" Narcissa said suddenly, causing all of the heads in the room to swivel towards her. "I mean, it's 1978! If you want to take someone down, take down Aretha Franklin!"

"Aretha is a _goddess_," Voldemort spat. "Never use her name in vain again."

"Sorry," she mumbled. He turned away from her, shaking his head.

"So, if someone's already taken down the band, I shall have to take down the swine that brought them to the wizarding world!" He looked at the crowd expectantly. They stared back blankly. "Muggle-borns! I'm going to kill all the muggle-borns!"

"Wow, killing a large and powerful part of our society. That'll end well," Snape muttered.

"Well _I _think it's a wonderful idea," Bella gushed. "The Beatles are destroying the wizarding world, and they need to be stopped!"

"They stopped ten years ago," Narcissa muttered.

"Shut up, Cissy. We need to save our world from their songs of love and hope by killing all who brought them here!"

"I think your logic and that statement just killed part of me," said Snape. Voldemort turned to face their chattering group.

"We'll need to gain information from the man who knows the most about muggles: Albus Dumbledore! I'll be needing several highly-skilled, extremely intelligent informants to sneak into Hogwarts and listen in on one of his meetings." He gestured to Bella, Narcissa, Lucius, and Snape. "You, you, you, and you; go and sneak into the school sometime tomorrow evening. School's about to begin again, and he'll be wanting to make sure all of his teachers are prepared."

"How should we do it?" Lucius asked.

"I don't know; hide under a chair or something. I'm an evil overlord, not a spy!"

"Oh, yes, this is going to go _fabulously_," Snape grumbled to himself.

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**A/N: **Sorry for the delayed update!


	3. Chapter 3: Breaking In

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Sorry for not updating for awhile, but this isn't going to be like my old stories, where I could update every day. My life's sort of crazy right now, but in a good way. Thanks again for the lovely reviews!

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"Why the hell did we have to walk here from your flat?" Bellatrix panted, struggling up the last hill of Hogsmeade. The four of them: Bella, Narcissa, Lucius, and Snape, had left from Snape's house nearly an hour ago. They'd been walking the entire way.

"Dumbledore's alerted any time a person apparates near the grounds. He has sensors that tell the person's name, age, and at times, intent," Snape said, also breathing heavily.

"How do you know all this?" Lucius inquired.

"I know things."

"Okay, next question," Bella began. "It's the middle of the summer, and we're on a spy mission. Why are we in school robes? Also, where did you even get these?" She tugged at the itchy black fabric enshrouding her body.

"I have my reasons and my sources. I don't divulge either."

"Why are we supposed to trust you?"

"Hey, you dated me for two years Bella."

She blinked, "Oh. I'd forgotten about that."

They approached the school gates, which, oddly enough, seemed to be wide open. Slowly, they crept up the pathway and towards the large door that marked the entrance to the school.

"I bet it's locked, or cursed, or something," Lucius whispered. Narcissa went up, twisted the knob, and swung it open. She stepped in, her pink heels clicking loudly on the floor.

"You just _had _to wear stilettos, didn't you?" Bella muttered. The other three followed the cheerful blonde into the castle. Tiptoeing quietly as Cissy clicked boldly, the group made their way through the school. A flash of silver made them all freeze: The Bloody Baron was floating down the corridor. Bella turned a corner and pressed herself flat against the wall. Snape leapt behind a suit of armor. Lucius jumped under a table. He didn't really hide himself, but it was a good plan. Narcissa just walked forward and began to chat amiably with the ghost. Bella began banging her head against the wall at her sister's stupidity. Everyone watched as she and the baron carried on a conversation that had to be at least ten minutes long. When she turned around and he floated away, the three other spies exhaled strongly.

"What is wrong with you?" Snape growled.

"_I _just got directions to the staff meeting," she said proudly. She strut down the hall, beckoning Lucius to follow. He shrugged and went after her. Snape and Bella skulked behind them, grumbling to themselves.

When Narcissa reached a cool, empty corridor, she slipped off her shoes and began to creep up the hall. There was only one door in the hallway; it was thick oak, slightly ajar, with a tiny shaft of light peaking out from under it and a brighter shaft peaking through the opening. When she reached it, Narcissa lay down on the floor and attempted to scoot her ear underneath it.

"What are you doing?" Snape and Bella stared at her while Lucius imitated his fiancée. They both shushed him.

"_Well, I really think that our new tables should be made out of elm, rather than oak. It's much less expensive…" _They heard Dumbledore speak through the door.

"We are _trying_ to listen!" Narcissa hissed.

"Why don't you listen through the part of the door that's _open?_" Bella sat down on Lucius' chest and leaned in towards the open door. Lucius struggled to push her off. Narcissa, noticing his struggle, rose to her feet and tried to pull her sister to her feet. Bella pulled back, knocking the both of them into the door. It swung open, and they toppled to the ground and Dumbledore's feet. He raised a silver eyebrow.

"Hello. May I ask what you're doing in my school in the middle of July?" About two dozen other professors peered out from behind him. Bella began to stutter.

"I, ah, well, we…"

"We're here on Ministry business!" Narcissa chirped, looking as anxious as her sister.

"None of you were _ever _qualified to work for the Ministry," McGonagall said plainly.

"That's where you're wrong, Minerva," Snape said silkily. "The Ministry found us as their top choices for new Aurors."

"That still doesn't explain why you're here."

"Yes it does."

"No, it doesn't."

"Well, we can't tell you why we're here, secret Ministry business."

At the same time as Snape said this, Narcissa blurted, "We've been commanded to break into the school by the Dark Lord Voldemort!"

Dumbledore seemed not to hear this.

"Ah! The Ministry! Always keeping secrets and ruining our economy! Well, I suppose I must allow you to carry on, though I will be writing to your superiors to tell them that you've failed your mission."

"You can't!" Bella cried. "Do you understand how difficult it is for a young witch to get a job in this day and age? If they find out we failed, Cissy and I will have to become prostitutes or teachers, or something of that category!"

"Oh, well, we can't let that happen," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "Why don't you just go home?" Heads bent, the four spies walked out of the room. McGonagall stared and Dumbledore.   
"You do realize that you just let four Death Eater informants get away, don't you?"

"Oh, they're no harm to us. Let the Ministry handle them."

"That sort of trust is going to get you killed someday, Albus. You should probably go back and grab them."

"Minerva, when I was made headmaster, I was told that I was completely infallible when it comes to dealing with the students. And I know that those four are no longer my students, but I still feel that not punishing them will teach them the greatest lesson of all."

"But they're wanted by the Ministry!"

"Is the Ministry infallible? No. Am I? Yes."

"But—,"

"When you become headmistress, you can send whoever you want to prison. But for now, what I say goes. Understand?" She rolled her eyes.

"Whatever."

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	4. Chapter 4: Voldemort's Plan

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **First order of business: Snape is not on Dumbledore's side right yet. I believe he joins him only after Lily's death.

Second, I've been thinking of writing a story that would be a prequel to my Esme Slain stories. It wouldn't have any of the meddlesome romance that took over the last, oh, _four _stories. It would just be Esme, Snape, Tonks, Gilderoy Lockhart, and regular dueling classes. I haven't got a title yet, so if anyone has any ideas, please tell me. Please let me know if you think it'll be a good idea!

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"So," Voldemort said, rocking on his heels, "did you get me my information?"

"Well, being that you didn't ask for anything specific, no," Snape shrugged as everyone else flinched.

"YOU HAVE FAILED ME!" he roared. "I give you one, simple little task; sneaking into a poorly guarded castle, and you fail miserably!" Everyone stepped away from him.

"We did get some information!" Bella simpered.

"Oh really?"

"Yes! Dumbledore wants to use elm for that tables rather than oak!"

"Oho! So he's an environmentalist!"

"No, I think the school's just low on funds."

"Oh."

Voldemort turned his back on the group and bowed his head. Deep in the tresses of his mind, he began to wonder. He wondered if hiring teenagers was truly in his best interest. He wondered if he should just quit magic and go into the business world. They seemed to hate the Beatles as much as he did.

"My Lord?" Lucius asked tentatively.

"Be gone."

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"I guess we really screwed up this time," Narcissa said softly as they left the meeting house.

"I feel so dirty, so shamed. How do you deal with this, Snape?" He glared at Bella.

"I loathe you."

"You know," Lucius mused. "When my father upset my mum, he'd always by her a gift to make it up to her. It led to the collapse of their marriage, but none of us have married him."

"Yet." They all stared at her. "What? He's an attractive man!"

"So," Narcissa said in an attempt to steer the focus away from her sister, "what should we buy him?"

"He likes instruments."

"Absolutely not. Why don't we just go to one of those Muggle mega-markets and buy him some stuff?"

"Well that's an, um, _idea._"

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The moment they walked into the mega-market, Bella's nose curled up like something horrible-smelling had been placed directly under it. Her eyes went down to the linoleum floor and then flitted over the brightly colored displays and cheerful assistants.

"So," Narcissa said, taking in the view, "why don't we split up? I'll take Lucius, and Bella, you and Snape can go find something too!"

Bella turned to tell her sister off, only to see her running down the aisle with Lucius in hand. "I guess it's just you and me. You must often beg for forgiveness. What do you buy?"

"I've never _begged_, Bellatrix."

"Fine. Whatever you say."

"Let's start out in Tupperware."

"Why would the Dark Lord need Tupperware?"

"Everyone needs Tupperware. Then we can get him some dish towels."

"You are quite possibly the worst gift giver I've ever met."

_Many, many hours later…_

"So, what'd you get him?" The four had met up in the front of the store. So far they'd terrorized six different "helpful" assistants ("Now, really, if we'd wanted your help would we have stuffed you in that refrigerator?"), stolen candy from children, and bought several crappy gifts.

"We got him a set of monogrammed dish towels…"

"Those aren't his initials."

"Shut up Lucius. You don't get the right to speak your mind simply because you're marrying my sister. Now, we also got him this nice set of plastic cases that won't break if you drop it out of a third story window!"

"How do you know?"

"We tested it," Snape smirked.

"This is a one-story building…"

"Don't ask questions, Lucius!"

"All right, all right."

"What did you two get him?"

"Ooh!" Narcissa squealed. "We got him a ton of really cool stuff!" She began pulling items out of a bag, starting with a tube of green Halloween makeup. "We got him this lovely foundation that matches his skin just perfectly! And here's the eye shadow we got him; I think it'll really bring out his eyes." She pulled out a horrible orange, green, and pink sweater. "We got him this too; his house seems so cold! And this lovely manicure set; have you seen his nails? They're horrible! Oh, and a microwave!" Bella and Snape stared at her in disbelief.

"Wow," Bella shook her head, "between your gifts and our gifts, he may very well kill us all."

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Bella, Snape, Lucius, and Narcissa waited anxiously by the front door. They'd rung it twice, and it didn't sound like he was coming. Narcissa began to fret. "He never leaves the house! Oh, I hope he's not still mad at us!"

Snape stared at her for a moment, and then turned the knob.

"It's not locked."

They all walked in: Narcissa shaking, Bella rolling her eyes at her sister, Lucius attempting to comfort his wife, and Snape carrying an armload of gifts. The reached a room where only a crack of light and the sound of a thousand dying pianos reached their ears. Lucius knocked hesitantly.

"My Lord?"

"Come in."

They entered slowly and crowded by the doorway. Voldemort kept playing his music until Snape thought that his head may possibly explode. Finally, he turned around and said, "My, my. What have we here?"

"We brought gifts!" Bella blurted.

"Oh really?" Snape handed over the bags, and, slowly, Voldemort began to unwrap them, saying things like, "Ah, yes, this will come in handy," or, "Pink! Why, pink's my favorite color! How did you know?" When he finished, he looked over the group, focusing in on Snape and Bella. "So, did my plan work?"

"Your plan?" they said together.

"Yes, my plan."

"Well, you got some Tupperware…"

"No! I mean my plan to get you two together! I've been in this business a long time, and I know that people who have—ahem—significant others, tend to be a lot happier."

"I'm not following," Bella said flatly as Snape went very, very pale.

"I mean to say that very few of my Death Eaters are single. I don't like it when people are single; I think everyone needs a mate. Therefore, I have been planning to get you, Severus, and you, Bellatrix, together. So you may date and populate the world with many children."

"But My Lord!" Snape began. "Bella and I detest each other!"

"Oh," his face fell. "I suppose that changes things. Yes, I definitely don't want to force two people who loathe one another to stay together. Hmm," he tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose I'll have to find a suitable husband for Bella. Snape, you, being a man, should be able to find a suitable woman on your own." With that, he walked swiftly out of the room, leaving the four young adults on their own. Bella turned and glared at Snape.

"One day I shall kill you."

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**A/N: **Please give me some feedback on the prequel idea!


	5. Chapter 5: You Know

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Okay…so I wasn't going to continue this, but I've been told in reviews, as well as by my friends who read my fics, that it's hilarious and I need to update it. Here ya go!

The Wedding of Rodolphus and Bellatrix

Bellatrix tugged at the huge layers of fabric surrounding her body. Supported by petticoats, gigantic, snow-white ruffles cascaded from her hips to her toes, and left a train flowing about four feet behind her. Puffy white sleeves hid her upper arms and tightened around her forearms. Her bodice reached her neckline in a sort of turtleneck fashion. An identical, though very thin, gown made completely of lace had been placed over the main dress. Over that, a large, glittering bow rested on her back end. Her hair was pulled straight back in a bun, giving her forehead dominance over the rest of her face, and on her head there was a large, garish, shimmering tiara. The whole thing was complimented by a veil placed under the tiara, pouring from her head to cover her entire body.

Voldemort shook his head. "No, no. It needs more glitter! Honestly, how many times do I have to _tell _Narcissa these things?" He stormed out of the room, scowling. Snape snorted.

"Well, he's certainly a _wonderful _wedding planner, is he not?"

"He just wants it to be the best day of my life," she replied stiffly.

"Oh, yes! He's always got your best interests in mind. I mean, he found you such a _fantastic _husband, and so _quickly. _Rodolphus Lestrange, isn't it?"

"Yes," she grit her teeth.

"Ah, such a wonderful man, and so _quick _to agree, too! He must not have heard of your _reputation._" She didn't respond; her murderous glare was enough. "Which brings to the question—why on earth did you choose a _white _dress? Seems a bit out of character, don't you agree? A bit—what's the word?—dishonest?"

"Shut up,Snape."

"Shan't. You know…you're always so quick to do whatever the Dark Lord asks, aren't you? No matter how ridiculous. I wonder why…"

"Shut _up, _Snape."

"Now, could it be that you're _afraid _of him? No, no, of course not. Bellatrix Arlenia Black isn't afraid of _anything. _Not her; she's—she's utterly fearless. No, it must be something else. Perhaps…"

"Shut _up, _Snape!"

"Perhaps you fancy him!" She blanched. "Ah, yes. That seems about right. I mean, he's just such a _handsome _man. And I've seen you. The way you giggle and flutter around him. The way you practically beg for his praise. The way you practically _purr, _'Oh, My Lord! Please just bend me over and—'"

"_Shut up, Snape!" _she screeched at the top of her lungs. Voldemort and Narcissa burst into the room, both carrying armfuls of glittery fabric.

"What's going on in her?!" cried Voldemort.

"It's Snape!" Bella sobbed, screwing up her face, looking like she was on the verge of tears. "He's saying all of this—all of these horrible things about me! He's being so, _so mean _My Lord!" She collapsed "sobbing" into Voldemort's arms, smirking at Snape from the behind.

"For shame, Severus! Bella is a _bride!_" He shook his head, "I can't believe you could be so cruel. I am more ashamed than you can believe! Go—go sit in the corner!"

Snape's jaw dropped, "Wh-what?"

"Go."

He stared; open mouthed, but Voldemort stood firm. "Fine, whatever," he muttered.

_Later…_

Slowly, Bellatrix, free of her wedding gown, tiptoed out of the fitting room. Walking on silent feet throughout the meeting house, she reached and pushed open the heavy brown door leading to the "Quiet Corner." Once inside, she giggled softly to herself, eyeing Snape's hunched figure. Then she sang, "Someone got in trouble!"

The figure tensed but didn't move, so she pranced closer. "Someone's not the favorite anymore! You know," she mused, "you went to the corner pretty quick. Seems like you're the one to obey the Dark Lord's every command. Wonder why…" She reached the body, swooped down, and tousled his mop of greasy black hair.

Quick as lightning, Snape spun around and pushed something solid and metal into Bella's belly. She gasped, "Snape! You stabbed me! Bastard!"

He shrugged and turned around. "What_ever_."

Bella stormed out of the room, whining, "My Lord! Snape _stabbed_ me!"

"So, how much trouble did you get into for stabbing Bella?" Lucius muttered in Snape's ear as they watched the bridesmaids fawn in front of the camera.

"Not much," he muttered in return. "I just have to write a letter of apology, and I had to get her a pony."

"Why?"

"Because—ahem—'Every little girl wants a pony!' Oh, and I got a lecture on 'proper bride care.' Such a wonderful father-of-the-bride, the Dark Lord is." Snape added an eye roll for emphasis.

"Too true," Lucius replied emphatically. His future bride, Narcissa, was trotting over to them. Both men grimaced inwardly at her gown, a horrible, puffy, green and pink monstrosity.

"You know," she giggled. "Bella's never even _met _Rodolphus, and yet they seem to have hit it off absolutely perfectly! Oh, I bet they'll be married _forever!_" She gestured to the "happy couple" on the far side of the terrace. Rodolphus was beaming, looking happier than Snape and Lucius had ever…well they'd never really _seen _him before, but he looked like quite a happy man. Bella, however, looked as though she was expected to marry something she'd scraped off of the bottom of her shoe.

"She's marrying someone she's never met and you expect her to be _happy_?" Snape said dubiously.

"Well yes!" Narcissa fluttered. "I mean, the Dark Lord picked him out; it's got to be a perfect match!" She trotted away to her fellow bridesmaids, giggling all the while.

Snape turned to Lucius, "Your fiancée is dumb as rocks."

"Yes, yes she is. And it's a good thing."

"What?"

"Just think, if she was more intelligent, she'd be just like Bella."

**A/N: **Please, do review!


	6. Chapter 6: Bella's Plot

Typical Disclaimers Apply

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

_Six months later…_

"So, all of you have been working alone on your projects…" Voldemort said, his voice cheerful and bubbly. "How has everyone been doing? Severus? Have you found a proper woman yet?"

"No," Snape muttered flatly. "I have not."

Voldemort clicked his tongue. "Shame on you, Severus. I'm docking pillow privileges for that."

"What?" he cried.

"Well, if you can't get the job done right; you will be punished."

"I don't even live with you!"

"And you know, I'm beginning to think that's a problem." Snape stared at him, mildly horrified. "You see, I think all of my Death Eaters, especially you all, would benefit from living together in one big house. Maybe a farmhouse, out in the country. Now, onto business. Narcissa, Lucius, how's the wedding planning going?"

"Um," Lucius said.

"We picked out the frosting for the cake!" bubbled Narcissa. Voldemort stared, aghast.

"You picked out frosting? That's _it?_"

"Weddings take time!" she defended.

"Mine didn't," Bella smirked.

"Yes, let's all look at Bella for a moment," Voldemort said. "She found a mate _and _managed to get married in less than a month."

"Yes, and I have the perfect husband: someone who does whatever I want whenever I want without asking questions. I haven't any idea why. Maybe it's just because I am genetically better than everyone else," she preened.

"Oh, please," Narcissa scathed, suddenly seeming a lot less bubbly. "You weren't 'genetically better' when you were begging Daddy for a _boob job. _It sounds like all that saline went straight to your head, rather than _those._" She gestured towards Bella's chest. Snape raised an eyebrow; she had seemed a bit…bigger in the…female areas when she'd returned for fifth year. The girls glared at one another.

"Well look who's talking," Bella snapped back. "Does your future hubby know anything about the nose job you got in fourth year? Or does he too agree that your lipstick stinks." She smirked, referencing the slightly upturned expression Narcissa always wore.

"You know, I always thought your chest seemed a little…hard," Snape said, smirking.

"Shut _up, _Snape!" She sneered again, "We all know about the constant dye-jobs, ginger. You'd think you could at least get a coloring kit that makes it look like you _shower_!"

"Children, children!" Voldemort cried, standing up. "Now that is enough! You four are my most gifted Death Eaters, but you waste all your time squabbling. Perhaps—perhaps an outing would help you settle your differences."

"Outing?" Lucius said blankly.

"Yes. What about…camping!"

"Camping?" Narcissa and Bella exclaimed together.

"My Lord," Lucius began. "Though I respect your opinion, thoughts, and beliefs, you can't honestly make us go camping."

--

"I can't believe he's making us go camping," Lucius muttered.

"I can't believe he took our wands," Snape said, still seeming somewhat stunned. He stared at the bits of tent in his hands. According to Voldemort, because Snape's father was a muggle, he could be the leader of the entire weekend-long magic-free camping trip. Unfortunately, Voldemort hadn't taken into account the fact that Tobias Snape had never so much as mentioned the phrase "camping trip" in all of the years that Snape had known him.

"Aaagh!" A high pitched scream tore through the campgrounds, jolting Snape out of his thoughts. Both men turned around and saw Narcissa, screaming and sobbing outside of the girls' perfectly upright tent.

"How the hell did you _do _that?" cried Snape, staring at the perfect green tent sitting squat in the middle of the campgrounds.

"Who cares?" Narcissa moaned. "It's just a—a regular muggle tent! I can't use my new eclectic curlers, and I'll just freeze to death at night…"

Lucius ran over to comfort her, "Don't cry, Love! Your hair's beautiful the way it is. And we'll find a way to keep warm at night!"

She sniffed, "We will?"

Snape just let his head slowly fall into his hands.

_Later that evening…_

Bella sat quietly in her sleeping bag. It had been moments since Narcissa left, to where, she really could care less, and she was enjoying the precious silence. She closed her eyes.

"Bellatrix."

"Aagh!" She leapt up, drawing the small penknife she'd been advised to bring along. Snape's eyes flicked from her face down to the penknife and widened considerably. "What the hell are you doing here?" she yelled.

"Lucius kicked me out. Probably because he wants to screw your sister. So I'm sleeping here tonight." He tossed a pillow on the floor.

"You can't sleep here!" she screeched. "I'm a married woman; I can't just have random men share a tent with me!"

"I'll try to control my urges," he said flatly. He pulled Narcissa's pink unicorn sleeping bag over his head.

"You know, I cannot believe the Dark Lord is making us do this!"

"I'm sure he has his reasons," Snape mumbled sleepily.

"We should take revenge on him," she said wickedly. Snape sat up sharply.

"I'm sorry, did you just say, 'We should go leap off of a cliff'? Because that's what I heard."

"Look Snape, you know I love him, but honestly, we've not done _anything _to fight against the uprising of the Beatles. And we're not exactly helping him achieve his dream. I think we should do all that we can to get sacked, for his own sake. And we can take revenge in the process."

"How on Earth would we do that?"

"You could pretend to be in love with him!"

"Why?"

"Because! It would be fun!"

"For you, maybe," he grumbled, lying down again.

"Okay, but I think we should do all in our power to get him to fire us, without murdering us. I mean, this relationship isn't really working for anyone. He'll be much happier with Cissy and Lucius."

Snape stared at her, "Fine, whatever. I'll get us fired. Will you just let me sleep?"

"Of course." A dark shadow cast across her face. "Now poor Severus Snape has fallen into my trap! I'll fool him into getting fired, and possibly killed by the Dark Lord. Then he'll be out of my way, and the Dark Lord shall have no other choice than to make me his lover!" She said all of this quite loudly.

Snape opened up his eyes and stared at her once more. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"A soliloquy!" she snapped. "Now go back to sleep!"

--


End file.
